pessimistic optimism?

I find nothing more depressing than optimism. Paul Fussell

My staff just told me I've never looked so happy. Now that’s a thought. At my current state, nothing could be more illogical.

Do I really look like someone who can give those sunshiny Colgate models a run for their money with my supposedly cheerful countenance? I REALLY wonder.

I have put up with fits of dissatisfaction and, yes, wretchedness (not self-inflicted, i believe). All because I promise to be happy with whatever falls upon me.

But gosh. Did they dump a heap on my platter! To think that I felt I already had more than my share.

So okay. I just took a deep breath, recited my all-time favorite mantra (haha) and hoped that everything would still be well. What else could I do???

And reality is sinking in fast. So first things first. Obviously, the added load meant I had to labor plotting my revised - and ever-mounting – timelines and identified to-dos. Now, anyone in my line of work knows how horrendous the remaining unidentified tasks could get. Anyway...when I saw what I did, I felt nothing…nothing like I what felt before. Suffice it to say that when January 2005 comes, I will have to constantly remind myself that breathing is not supposed to require conscious effort. Go figure.

Will it really be THAT BAD?

At the moment, I lose myself in my calendar, coloring December 21 with all the shades of the rAinBow. There is always sunshine after the rain, after all. No matter what. ;->

Virus, part II

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost

I was sidetracked by so many things which were beyond my control. I felt I had to vent lest I be consumed by so many negative thoughts running through my head. If you had your dear friends trying vainly not to break down in front of you, it would require superhuman efforts to appease them and say that everything would soon blow over. The better part of me said that I should just shut up. I would not offer much help as I am facing the same issue anyway.

Looks like this nasty virus is rearing its ugly head at me all over again.

I don’t exactly know how to call it. This recurring virus. I will just try my best to describe my condition in detail.

Prognosis: I want to run away again.

History: Before anything else, let me just say that I refuse to admit I was looking through rose-colored glasses when I plunged head-on into this life-changing move. Why, you ask?

1. I knew what I was looking forward to. Been there, done that. 2. Every member of my dearest family never objected to whatever would make me happy. 3. I was sure - and I swear my interviewer turned employer was even surer - it could not get any worse than my previous employments. 4. There were the endless rounds of dinner and coffee with friends of various conviction/persuasion/what-have-you who were one in saying that this opportunity was golden from all angles. What could be better than having a financially rewarding job, right? 5. I thought this break was rather fateful. I was trying mightily to make sense of what was happening between me and some friend at an apparently breakneck speed. I thought this opportunity provided both of us the chance to find out what we really were to each other. (I might have a lot of explaining to do to my dear friends about the last one. Oh well.) There. All accounted for. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

It has been two months now and all I can manage to say is this: reality does shake things up quite a bit. She’s like an uninvited guest that refuses to go away, sneaking in and settling down quickly to rearrange my furniture, then my room and, finally, everything else in plain sight. She is very much into it I should say. If not for some familiar objects, I can certainly say that I am hopelessly lost. In my own home at that. After a series of shock waves, I got used her. I have totally stopped complaining. And therein lies my dilemma. I can’t put my finger on it but I know I am kinda unwell. Each time she leaves, I find myself tired, dazed and often confused.

Symptoms: 1. Initially, I have a lot of good stuff to say about my new job….then, after some time…2. I feel like dragging my feet to work. 3. I have fits of grouchiness. 3. I lose weight notwithstanding my relatively healthy appetite for food (read: chocolates, junk food, etc). 4. I can not focus properly on whatever tasks are at hand. 5. I don’t sleep well. 6. I browse jobstreet and/or jobsdb a lot. 7. I gripe about work to my friends (bless them for bearing with me!). 8. My friends actually find me some good job matches. 9. Most of the time, I get a new job offer.

Yes, it’s my job that’s my reality. I just hope her next visit will be final and one that when she leaves, I am truly happy. (That reminds me of something. Should I be changing my name?)

Prescription: ??????????

virus, part I

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. Anonymous

This is not good. Four seniors and two associates tendered their resignation today. Uh oh. NOT good. Do I need to ask anyone if something is wrong here??? Is this ‘phenomenon’ an annual thing? In our group???

It doesn’t help at all if you feel like a drowned rat from clocking in more than 18 hours of work a day for the last few days just to produce that all-important four-page report.

As if to assuage our fears, one of our Group partners is dispensing wisdom about work-work balance. You read right, my friend. That’s how I understand his speech. Sacrifice now, reap the rewards later in life. Oh no, please don’t say that THAT will take us 30 years!!!! :(

I fear that at the rate we’re going, we’re all going to break down, one way or another. The working environment is a lot different here. Their 'seriousness' is very palpable you can actually touch it. Yup, this might be the irreverent side of me in full throttle but I can not help what I see. For one, I now fully appreciate the automated/electronic way of doing a lot of things. Saves you time and a great measure of your sanity. Out here, people are obssessed with manual cross-referencing, casting, cross-casting, etc. of files. They have elevated this art to science. And I often find myself freaking out. Well, not only me, there are my ‘pearl of the orient’ friends who know whereof I speak. I mean, does EVERYTHING have to be cross-referred? Yup. Everything has to be filed and in order. At times, I have this twisted feeling that they are more critical than, say, disposing of the issues of our clients. Deadlines be damned but we gotta have the files spic-and-span. Then there’s the manual process of monitoring time and costs chargeable to our clients, as in you have to go through the flip-through-the-thick-folders-then-add-up-the-numbers-for-your-clients process. By the way, the files are sorted per month not per clients, so…

I have a theory for this apparent obssessiveness to the cross-referencing thing. This attitude is simply a microscopic represention of what they really are. They need directions. They need instructions. It is a way of life. They will be lost if you pull out a signpost or two from the road or the MRT stations. Maps are practically everywhere, free for the taking. So that no one gets lost. So that they know where to proceed. I am willing to argue this self-proclaimed theory. :)

Now, this is not what I was initially driving at. Oh well, I guess I gotta keep part II of my confession (my apologies to usher).

whadda...!!!!!

This piece is in memory of my much-loved jacket which vanished in plain sight several minutes ago.

I distinctly remember it flailing here and there as I rushed off from the mrt to go to breadtalk to buy me some bread. I must tell you that I woke up dreaming of fire floss, thus, my resolve to have it before I subject myself to another day of hard labor (at the office, that's where).

I was quite fast I reached the store in one minute flat. I took a quick look at my trusty old jacket. It was still there. Fine. As usual, I was greeted by the delicious smell of yummy breads in all shapes and sizes. I went to the left side of the kinda v-shaped store precisely because that was where I saw the heavenly fire floss. I was so caught up on deciding which ones had the most toppings I didn’t notice my treasured possession slipped away from my bag. I rushed to the counter at the junction a few feet away and waited for the lady to leave as she had already paid for her loot. I reached for my bag to take out my wallet. Then it hit me. The jacket was gone. Unfazed, I took a few steps back and craned my neck to scan the left side of the store where I’d been. Nothing there. Who the f*^%^*# took it? And by golly, why? It was relatively worn out, for one.

The whole incident happened in only under six minutes and the place was not even packed with hungry wolves, er, people yet. There were just three or four other ladies there so…. Whatever. I still couldn’t accept the fact that my jacket was nowhere there.

It’s a little crazy. You see, we shopped from time to time and as far as I know, people wouldn’t care much less took interest in your goods even if you left them in one corner to go somewhere else (buy a forgotten item, go to the restroom, etc) before heading home.

I was just so sore about the whole thing, I guess. That jacket was witness to a number of memorable events of my life.

baptism of fire

my newfound friend here is raring to come back home. she feels she does not belong here. she says she practically drag her feet to work everyday. things are not what she expect them to be.

no amount of consolation can change her current predicament.

i can so relate to what she is feeling right now. it's not that the stars are not exactly in my favor, though, because we agree that she is a little worse off emotionally than i am. you see, at work we always face a blank wall. no, make that blank faces, blank stares, blank everything. i mean, duh? is it that hard to greet the day smiling? why do they look like they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders? even the most optimistic person could suffer paranoia around these people.

i don't want to elaborate anymore on the reasons for our blah and so-so state most days of the week. also, after all the countless nitpicking with my been-there-done-that friends, i have decided to stop questioning these locals', uh, cultural peculiarities. (whatever that may mean to you.) they told me they are just like that so i should deal and bear with it. period. yeah, right.

there's no mistaking it. it is always hard being a new entrant. the idea of finding your way and getting into the thick of things sometimes make you want to retreat in a corner and sulk. i was so convinced that i could live and earn my keep here for two years at the least. now that i am here, will someone please stand up and convince me to keep my promise 'coz i am having bouts of self-doubting.

did i not think long and hard enough? did i unknowingly sacrifice things that should have mattered to me? worst of all, was i irreversibly blinded by the good pay?

even if i try, i can not think of any other overriding reason why i packed my bags, took the flight then plunged into this unchartered territory - at least for me - except for the promise of a better future. am i bad for thinking that?

by far, this is the first time i let all the potentially lethal thoughts run free. for my own good, i shall now seal them in.


p.s.

while i was writing this heart-rending piece, one of my local colleagues came up to me and told me about the accounts she was transferring me. then she asked me how i was, etc....what's else, you ask? she actually said that every one of them was approachable and ever ready to help us. huh?! come again? i was afraid i uttered my thoughts out loud because she proceeded to tell me that they look like they are always so buried with work (which they are, promise!) and appear indifferent (my mind was really talking to her!!!) but, surprise, they are not. the indifferent part, of course. they are just like that (did she read this blog???). all in all, i honestly think she is friendly. in fact i kinda like her even before this talk. so i believe her. nice noh?! ;->

9/11

i never imagined 9/11 would have an entirely new meaning other than it being a red-letter day (no pun intended) to the rest of the world, marking one of the most vicious terrorist attacks in recent memory.

on 9/11/2004, while the rest of the world bowed their heads in prayer to commemorate the tragic event, i bowed my head in prayer. period. indeed, i was on a totally different plane than the rest of humanity. in more ways than one.

i flew out of the country to live in a totally new world, that's why. so who can blame me for being a little bit unconcerned of what was going on around the globe? my world was about to CHANGE.

will singapore treat me good? will it live up to what i dreamed it to be? will i be happy???

i distinctly remember being so restless a couple of weeks before that fateful day. so many things ran through my mind that it came to a point where i wanted to call off the whole thing.

you just don't realize how deathly afraid i was of being away from my family and friends because of a zillion things. because i will miss them. that is saying a lot already. the occasions, the secrets, even the absolutely mundane things... most especially the deceptively boring and ho-hum things you do with them. i will surely miss them being present with me. what else? yup. i couldn't bear the thought of missing the smell, the taste, the sound and the feel of familiar things...somebody stop me or i could go for hours.

fast forward to 9/29. now what???

well, it has been a couple of weeks. things are getting better. everything is new. good, i like trying everything new. it makes me a bit afraid, utterly miserable even, but eventually you realize that, yes, it's just one of those things and it shall pass. for better or for worse, har har har.

p.s.

pardon the histrionics. it's my first time, you see :) reading through the stuff above, something came up. that is, i did not expect to be fairly happy this early. good! :)